When I cry, I punish myself.
I’ve felt like burning myself again. I haven’t done it, but I’ve felt like it. I have no reason too, I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with my life, if anything it’s better than it’s ever been, but for some reason, for some stupid unknown reason my skin craves the heat of a lighter and my thumbs ache to flick the switch and start the flame and my mind, my mind craves to be empty of thoughts and just filled with physical pain and it’s all I can think about. I want to burn deep, deeper than before, repeatedly, I want to burn until my entire body is ash and my whole existence has been erased.
Sometimes I wish I could be murdered, so I could die and not feel guilty about committing suicide.
It was different this time..I’m not sure how, it just was. We’ve fucked plenty of times, meaningless fucking though, and that’s all it was. Friends with benefits. But this was the first time since we admitted we liked each other. To be honest I expected it to be the hardest we’d ever fucked, given how long it had been since we’d fucked, but it wasn’t. This time you kissed me. Not in a we’re about to fuck way. You just kissed me. It was nice. Simple. Then the fucking. It didn’t feel like fucking. It felt like sex. It felt like love. You kissed me everywhere, left little dents in my skin where I feel where your lips were. You gave me bruises, cute ones, not lustful, just cute. It was different this time..
Maybe I should stop this. Maybe I shouldn’t let you fuck with my head. But I kinda like it. I’m so bad for myself.
I kinda need you.
Idk, I just feel kinda empty..everything’s ending and everyone is leaving and going their separate ways, and I just need someone too say that they’ll stay with me wherever I go, which I know it a stupid thing to need or expect at 16, but still ><
Idk, it’s just nice too have a friend to talk to about stuff and know that no matter what I say or do they’ll love my unconditionally, and it’s not got any complicated girly-bitchyness cause he’s a guy and it’s just simple. It’s nice to talk all day about nothing and everything and just laugh over stupid little things.
I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself. I want to get hit by a car, or get a disease, or get murdered. But I want more than that. I want to disappear off the face of this earth, for everyone’s memories of me to go, I want to leave without having to say goodbye, because I don’t want to hurt anybody. This is why I cannot die; because there are people that rely on me, and I cannot let them down. I gave up on fighting for myself a long time ago..I am not worth it. But they are. The people I know are. They are wonderful people. Every day they fight to live, and I fight with them. I see in their eyes a sadness, a loss, a tragedy. I watch as they fight their demons, as I allow mine to swallow me whole. But they do not see that. No one can. I know how it feels to be burdened with the thought that at any minute someone could harm themselves again, or even take their life, and I do not wish that burden upon any one. I take this burden because I love them, but in knowing the burdens they have, I see no use in sharing mine. So it burns down to this; crying in the night while loved ones sleep, and typing out my feelings in the hope that it will give me release, when in reality; nothing does anymore.
That was me before I met you,
I see that girl, the one in the photographs,
her smile isn’t broken, isn’t posed, isn’t fake,
I see that twinkle in her eyes, the excitement she has for all ahead of her,
All I see is love.